Of fixing your destiny
by HarunoKasumi
Summary: After the events of 5x13, what will Merlin do? Guinevere is desperate and longs for a friend when she finds Merlin lurking about the Castle at night and confronts him about what happened and what is to happen next. Fix-it Fic, mainly canon, slight AU around Gwaine. Friendship Gwen-Merlin, Arwen (in memory). Angst but also Hope.
1. Pulling Through

_Disclaimer: Merlin doesn't belong to me but to the bbc._

_Have I ever told you guys about my Merlin obsession? No? Well then I'm doing it now :D_

_The finale came out today and it left me with a gaping holein my chest. I needed to get this out of my system. Because what the hell will Merlin do all these years? I think he may even think about staying out in th landscape, waiting for Arthur to return. Just because his whole life was so fixed on him. Then I thought that would be mean to Gwen and the others, were they never supposed to see him again or what? So I came up with this. Merlin returns to Camelot to get his stuff and Gwen punches some sense into him._

_Hope you enjoy! :3_

* * *

**Pulling Through**

She caressed the ring in her hand while walking the corridors of the caste. Her gentle fingers went over its sharp edges and she felt her heart ache even now, when the people were all sleeping in their homes and Camelot was unmoving and quiet. Still, there was this chill in the air. Something was not right, something was missing. Something, no _someone_ so, SO important not only to her, but to the people as well.

Arthur Pendragon was dead.

Percival's news still rang in her ears. He said that he had followed the tracks to the apparent lake of Avalon, that he had found the Lady Morgana dead on the floor with a stab through her abdomen. Even as he had wished for that sigh, he described it as pitiful and not quite right, the high priestess and former Lady stabbed by something so simple as a sword, lying there on the floor like she was just one of the many dead soldiers in the battle of Camlann. As the knight had carried on, he said that as he arrived at the lake, he was still able to make out a boat in the distance as it had just disappeared like being forced to go on by an invisible force. Yet, there was nobody else there. He spotted tracks of a giant creature and a pair of footsteps leading into the lake but nobody else around.

And of course it was Arthur on that boat. They had found his horse nearby. His and Merlin's. And of course they had wondered what happened. And of course they had wondered where Merlin was. Percival confirmed the footprints into the lake, but none of them were leading back out. Had he…killed himself? Was his devotion and shame so great, his loyalty that deep? Honestly, Gwen wasn't really sure. If Arthur really was dead, then she wished Merlin would have at least made it back. He was her friend, the dearest one she had next to Arthur and Elyan. But they were different and right now, they both were no more. Yes, there were the knights –or what was left of them- and Gaius. But still, she felt so alone. So, _so_ alone in the world.

_Arthur…._

A hand before her mouth tried to stop the sobs from escaping it. She stood in one of the corridors that weren't patrolled, only pillars and a hip high balustrade separating her from the open air overlooking the city. Her hands rested on the balustrade while she still held the royal seal and looked out into the night sky. Just today she had to announce to the people that her husband was dead and that she would now assume the thrown. Of course she gladly did what Arthur asked but of course she above all else wished he could have come back. Hot tears streamed down her beautiful face and she really hoped that nobody would spot her. Even though she of course wanted comfort, she had some dignity to keep, a reputation to uphold. Standing here in her night gown wasn't really helping things either.

_Oh Arthur, if only you were here…_

He taught her all there was to know about being queen. She had grown up a simple maid, never learned how to write or read or properly hold herself and things like that. Even though she was supposed to know all those things now, she still felt empty. Like her other half was missing. It was like-

Suddenly, a golden flash lighting the corner of the corridor interrupted her thoughts. It died down as soon as it came and she wondered if she was seeing things. The queen of Camelot swallowed. Magic…there was no doubt. Oh what was she supposed to do now? Call the guards? She had no weapons on her…

Again, her racing thoughts were interrupted when she heard something hit the wall. Then, a cry like a wounded animal that tore through her heart. She knew that wail. It was a painful memory, of that raven haired boy lying in bed, poisoned, dying and crying out in so much pain…

No…no way. Could it be…

Through the pale blue moonlight, queen Guinevere hasted down the corridor. She almost ran, forgetting all she was told about how queens didn't run, how they just walked gracefully. It didn't matter. She rounded the corner and as she had normal leather shoes on, she had hardly made any noise, not startling the person in front of her.

The sight was truly heartbreaking. A slender man in brown blue gown leaned at the wall, facing the pale moonlight that flooded the hallway but hid away in the shadows of the pillar he had appeared behind. His underarm rested in front of his eyes and his full lips were curled downward, drawing in ragged breaths. The trademark neckerchief hung around his neck as Gwen carefully took a step forward, not wanting to startle him by simply touching him in a corridor in the middle of the night where he probably had awaited to be alone.

"Merlin? Merlin, is that you?" she didn't even have to ask if he was okay. Because he was obviously not. Just as much as she was not okay right now. The servant –oh how strange it was to think that he was so much more than that- froze and slowly lifted his arm to look at her. Gwen saw his eyes for the first time in many days and the sight was so shocking, she almost took a few steps back. They were blue, so blue under the moonlight but still so full of pain. Pain and misery and so much _guilt_. She felt a flash of guilt rushing through her. And she had felt bad about all of this! Now looking at Merlin made her feel so very childish…

"Gwen? What are you doing out in the hallway in the middle of the night? You should be in your chambers.." did he honestly just try to mask everything from her? Did he honestly just ask _her_ of all people what she was doing out here at night?

"_Merlin_! You just appeared in the centre of Camelot with a flash of golden light, I think I should be asking _you_ that question!" she countered and just for a split second, Gwen thought she saw his lips curl up a bit. But it was gone as soon as it came and he didn't even ask or question her why she wasn't reacting to him using magic to get here or what had happened or any of that. Because he didn't have the time before Gwen took the rest of the way towards him and hugged him gently but also very tight. She didn't care about what she was wearing or how she was holding herself, hugging a servant light that. It was Merlin after all. He was her friend. And it didn't matter who he may be underneath or what he may have been hiding from her all these years. She wasn't bitter. Right now, all she needed was some comforting warmth and even though Arthur was and will always be her soul mate and Elyan would always be her brother, Merlin was still her best friend. And she felt him melting into the hug, even if he was shocked at first.

They were quiet for some time and Gwen felt him shaking with sobs, not holding back now. She didn't know if she also cried in his shoulder...probably. Then, he spoke. His voice was so horrible hoarse and broken, Gwen wondered how he even managed to get anything out.

"I failed, Gwen. …I couldn't… God, I'm _so_ _sorry_…" his voice finally broke again, not really able to end his sentences. Gwen's first reaction was to hold him tighter, lifting a hand to stroke the back of his head just like Arthur had a few hours ago. Without her knowing of course. He was so broken, so limp and fragile. Like his life force was sucked from him and he was not more than a shell of his former self. It was so painful to see him like this and she had to admit that she was never fully aware how very strong the bond between Arthur and him had been. Just_ what _the two of them had meant for each other. Not in a romantic way, of course. Not in the way she and Athur loved each other. Just...a bond of brothers but something that went even deeper. She couldn't quite put her finger on it.

"Shhh. I'm sure you did all you could. Gaius told me everything. It's alright, I'm not mad." She added as Merlin was about to flinch away. Probably an instinct by now, trying to run for the accusation of being a sorcerer.

"Just…please. Tell me what happened? C-can you do that? I'm sure you need rest and I'm sure there are many things to solve out that are more important but…could you do me that favor? And, Merlin?" she parted from her tight embrace and looked into his blue eyes, so very red from all the tears. She smiled one of her kind but also teary smiles and caressed his cheek fondly.

"Yes, Gwen?", he asked, barely making it above a whisper. He already sounded so far away…

"Would you…stay here? In Camelot? You weren't going to, am I right?" it was like she had just slapped him. It was there in his face, the astonishment as if she had read his thoughts. Oh how she had missed that look. Sometimes, when she knew people really well, she could just read them like books. Merlin was one of those people, next to Arthur and her brother. Yes, he may have hidden his secret well but apart from that, he was just so oblivious. His expression turned guilty and he immediately tried to turn away from her hand, let go of her completely and walked over to the balustrade. He took a few calming breaths while Gwen was wondering how he suddenly looked so tiny under the full moon outside and yet so held up high and strong. When she had met him, he had been this scrawny, clumsy but brave idiot. He was still like that now, but his shoulders were broader, his expression sadder and he appeared more...mature. Like so many things rested on his shoulders that alone because of that, they had become more muscular. When he finally managed to speak, his voice was much steadier. He even appeared to have a half smile on his face, judging by his tone.

"Like always, you just know me too well. Actually, yes. I was just coming here to get my staff and books and then just…go. I don't really know what I had planned in my head yet but I figured facing all of you, knowing that this is all my fault… I just can't do this. I- ARGH! I WAS SUPPOSED TO PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING!" his sudden outburst let Gwen flinch and she looked around if the guards had heard them. In his anger, Merlin had balled his fist and slammed it into the balustrade with full force. It looked hurtful but apparently, his anger had let loose some magic too and cracks were appearing where his fist had landed, making the floor shudder under his rage. Gwen gulped. Oh no, this wasn't good. She stepped forward courageously and gripped his shoulder, turning him around to face her.

"Merlin. Please, calm down. You don't want to collapse the whole castle." She assured him soothingly and dragged him away from the cracks in the balustrade he only now noticed, his blue eyes widening and then filling with guilt again.

"I-I'm sorry. Just let me…" he winded his hand out of her grip and raised it towards the crack. Then he opened his mouth and his voice somehow changed.

"_Atgyweirio", _he mumbled and his eyes turned a brilliant gold colour unlike anything Gwen had ever seen, even with Morgana. The crack in the wall repaired itself upwards until it reached the damaged spot in the balustrade that just seemed to close like an old scar until finally, it was as if the whole thing never happened. Gwen stared up at Merlin in wonder and somehow had to smile at the smile he had now mustered because of her stunned expression.

"Sorry." He soon mumbled and his face turned serious and sad again. Quickly, Gwen tried to make him feel better, rushing forward and grabbing his wrists as he had been about to turn away again.

"No! No, don't be. Just…how could you think about hiding this from me and your friends? How could you think about just turning away from us, even if Arthur may be lost? I know that it hurts, trust me I…really understand. Maybe my bond with him was never the same kind like the one you two shared but-" she paused to emphasize the next sentence, making him look at her by turning his chin towards her. It was the truth though. Arthur was her soul mate, the one she wanted to love until the very end, the one she wanted to grow old with. With Merlin though...Who had once said they were like two sides of the same coin? She thought that expression was actually really fitting these two. Like she had thought before, they didn't love each other in the way she and Arthur did. It was just...different. They were always at each other's side and always going through any danger together like they were bound together by destiny. The king and his sorcerer. And if you separated them, you would have to damage the coin altogether, there was no other way. Merlin, the one staying behind, _was_ damaged. You could see it in his face. And he was blaming himself so, _so_ much... **

"Merlin. I need you. Gaius needs you. The Knights need you. You're our friend and you are part of this, no matter how much you want to run away right now. Please, promise me you won't just run. Promise. I'm not going to make it through all of this, knowing you're blaming yourself and wandering the earth out there just because of some stupid law I could probably just change right now if I want to." She saw her word taking affect on him and saw his features soften before he again pulled away and turned towards the moonlight. What was wrong? Something was still there he wasn't telling her.

"Nah. I'm sure you could manage without me. You're a great queen, Gwen. A-Arthur chose you well. I'm just a servant, nothing more. I'll just go and….find myself a job elsewhere." His words sounded so empty that it hurt her just listening to them. She just shook her head, couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Merlin! I'm not accepting that you are actually saying this!" now she was bordering to being angry just as he had been before. But despite the fact that he had been angry at himself, her anger was rather obviously directed at him as well.

"You are much more than just a servant, even if you weren't a sorcerer and a powerful one at that. You always were Arthur's loyal friend and adviser. He valued your opinion very much, often more than the council and he was right to do so. You are compassionate, strangely wise for your age, brave beyond reasoning and seriously, if you were any good with a sword I bet Arthur would have knighted you before you could even say 'Camelot'." She paused for a breath and to admire the puzzled expression she had planted to Merlin's face. But she wasn't finished yet, her rant went on while she pointed her finger at him as she always did when her strong female lecture side was showing.

"So don't you dare just throw that away and disappear when we all need you the most! I didn't think you were that selfish! This kingdom still has a future, _you_ have a future! And you are not disappearing on me just because Arthur may not be the one to guide this kingdom any more. I'm not having this family fall apart, that is not what he would have wanted! If you go now, Morgana has won! She would have broken you and all you two worked for! Is that really what you want, Merlin!? And yes, I said family! Because you all are, to me at least." Her voice had been raised to a shout as well and by now she was seriously wondering if the guards were asleep because they should have heard them by now. If not Merlin, then her shouted rant through the corridors of the castle walls. Tears had began to well in her own eyes as her voice had poured out all of her deep emotions and thoughts on this matter. As she said, it wasn't easy on her either... Merlin was openly gaping at her now, his tears long forgotten even though his cheeks were still wet and his eyes all red. It took him very long to react in any way but finally, he actually relaxed, lowering his gaze.

"Yes, you…maybe you're right. Until Arthur returns, I will stay here with you and Gaius. It's just…not going to be as easy as you think." He swallowed and leaned back against the wall of the corridor again, sighing heavily. Now it was Gwen's turn to be puzzled.

"What do you mean, return? Why, what makes it so difficult? Is it the law on magic? I wanted to turn that down anyway, I already summoned the council for tomorrow, you can join me and tell them everything-"

"No, Gwen, that's not it. Trust me, it's…it's a long story. Can we just…call it a night, the guards are coming." He said, long before Gwen actually heard the footsteps. She didn't know how he did that but she could ask about that later. For now, she nodded and motioned for him to follow her. They crouched into a small alcove and waited until the guards passed by, finding nothing. Then, Merlin turned to her and stepped out of the alcove, looking at her.

"There's something I still need to do tonight. Collect the head knights and Gaius for a talk tomorrow. I promise, I'll explain everything, alright? We're going to make it through this. I swear." He was putting on a brave face for her, Gwen could see that. Still, it did help a ton to see him muster a smile, even if it was faked. He stepped up to her and planted a small kiss to her forehead while his long fingers held her chin. He quickly pulled away, smiled and then was gone around the corner and out of sight.

The Queen of Camelot briefly wondered where in the name of the triple goddess he had learned to teleport himself like he did to get here * before she turned around to in fact return to her royal chambers. Maybe she didn't know what was going on. Maybe her heart was still aching and her soul had a giant part missing but she knew, that somehow, they would make it through. Even if it was just the remaining parts of her family and even if it was difficult, she wouldn't let Morgana win. Never in her life would she let that hatred and that emptiness overcome herself as well. Camelot was a center of hope and she would not let herself be destroyed by Morgana's evil plans.

From the depth of their grief, Camelot would rise and prosper again. She would make sure of that.

They would all pull through this together.

After all, she was the Queen now.

* * *

_Yup. That's what she is, after all. The bloody, caring, strong and compassionate Queen Guinevere. You can hate on her as much as you want, I like her. For her time, she's a truly strong female figure. And Merlin will need her after all this just as much as she needs him. No, no shipping involved. Shipping in Merlin is a strange thing in general. For some it may obviously be Merthur but I...I'm just not that sure about anything in this show. Really, especially after the final I'm really confused when it comes to shipping. _

_Anyway! Please tell me what you think if you have any thoughts ^^. Not planning on really writing more, though it could maybe become a two shot. If you want? _

_Just tell me your thoughts if you like :3_

_*The teleportation thing: I dunno...I didn't want him to ride there. Just didn't seem right, on the way he would probably become completely depressed. The flash thing only works for himself and only to places he knows really, really well. So I figured one would be Camelot, the other Ealdor and just maybe, because it's the center of magic, the Crystal Cave. So it wouldn't have worked for the Avalon lake. At least not yet ^^._

_** **UPDATE 29th Dec:** Since this had so many complaints: I want her to express that she knows their bond is different. I'm not exactly a Merthur shipper, you have to know that. If you really want to, you can interpret it as that but I want Gwen to say here that she thinks they are just on a different scale/level of Love for each other. Gwen and Arthur have the beautiful, loving husband-wife relationship you should have with your wife, of course. Both of them know that. And they do need each other and Gwen is helpless and empty without Arthur, of course. Arthur is without her too. Remember when Gwen was banished? He never really was quite..there. And when he found out Gwen was 'evil' "I lose her, I lose everything.". I'm NOT denying Arwen here. I love Arwen. It's canon._

_But with Merlin and Arthur...come on. Even if you are an Arwen shipper and you don't like Merthur, you can't deny that the last episode showed just how deep their bond went. During their journey, Arthur mentioned Gwen only once and after the seal was taken to her, he didn't complain about his wife's absence a bit. When Merlin said he wouldn't come into battle, Arthur behaved similar to when Gwen was gone. He needs them both, just for different reasons. When Merlin spoke to him in his dream, he jumped to action immediately without questioning the strange way of communication. And when he wakes after the battle, the first thing Arthur asks isn't "did we win" or "where is Gwen or "is everybody alright", no, it's "where have you been?" for Merlin. Why weren't you with me in this!? The two of them have this strong bond that goes beyond brothers, if you want to see it as romantic or platonic (which I prefer) is your choice but this show, the entire damn _show_ evolves around those two and their relationship. How they first hated each other to the moment were Merlin basically promises Arthur to wait for him for eternity, no matter how long it'll take. And in which Arthur dies in his arms, not saying goodbye or anything, just "Thank you". Thank you for all you have done for me. And will do in the future._

_They are, as it was said multiple times, two sides of the same coin. You can't split a coin without damaging it. That's what's being said here. Nothing more. Arthur can love Gwen and he can love Merlin, just not in the same way. there are multiple ways of love (sisterly lover, brotherly love, romantic love and so on) and one CAN love multiple people in different ways, so don't argue with me here. It's a fact ;P_

_There were some comments on this matter where they complained about the sentence...**I just wanted to clarify that.**_


	2. Don't you dare to change

_**Thanks to:** luvinhp92 (Yeah, I found that too. So this is kinda a fix-it fanfic too...just not completely xD), Moon Fox (yeah, loved that bit too :3 Will go into that here further xD), flyaway213 (well here you go :D), Black Gloves (thank you very much and here you go :)), neonnightshell (you're welcome :3), Benjaminjonathan (yeah, why?! T_T), polzie44 (here you go :)and Guest (that's nice to hear :)) for their reviews! You lovely people you :3 Here you go, I'm doing more of it xD.  
_

_**Disclaimer:** Merlin doesn't belong to me but to the bbc._

_**A/N:** Yeah, I decided to continue it. Because I'm still not over that final. And I need to get this out of my system. This time, I addressed the issue of Gwaine's death. I'm going to make this a slight AU fanfiction so if you don't like that, you should probably not continue reading. _

_Because I understand why Arthur had to die...in a way. But Gwaine? Come on, his death was just an act of spitting in our faces and saying "HA! There goes your favourite character!". So I decided that he was still alive when Percival left him and Percival came back for him, bringing him to Camelot, if not for healing, then for proper burial. I also think that Merlin needs Gwaine now more than anytime during the entire show. Because now that Arthur's gone, he needs his best friends and that makes it like this to me: Gwen (Sister), Gaius (father) and Gaine (Brother). Arthur's his soulmate. If you see it platonic or romantic, after the last episode, there's no denying that they love each other. So if you lose the lover, you need the rest of your family with you. _

_Then here you go I guess :) Hope you like it! ^^_

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**02. Don't you dare to change**

„So you're telling us that Arthur is basically not really dead…"

"And you're planning on waiting for him until he returns?" on both Percival's and Leon's Questions, Merlin just nodded, his gaze still sitting on the table just so he was able to hold himself together and not start bawling or crying again. His eyes were red enough already, they could probably guess how he was feeling about all of this. Still, he didn't need to embarrass himself any further.

"Merlin, how long is that going to be?", Gaius asked carefully, leaning forward and trying to make Merlin look at him. But the boy just shook his head and kept staring at the table, turning his head away even more.

"I don't know…ten years, a hundred…a thousand?" he asked while pressing a sarcastic laugh through his full lips. Gaius lifted his famous eyebrow and wanted to say more but Gwen lifted her hand to make him stop. She now leaned forward herself, stroking Merlin's hand on the table with her own, smiling kindly.

"But Merlin. That's not really possible. How are you supposed to be there if he's to rise in a thousand years to come? You may be a sorcerer but you're still just one man and you still have just one lifetime….right?" she was suddenly unsure during her talk, just by the way Merlin's gaze was turning more painful as she spoke, as if this was the really difficult part of their conversation. The knights, Gaius und Gwen were sitting with him in the royal chambers, as he had asked the day before. It was shortly after sunrise and Gwen was pretty sure that Merlin hadn't slept all night. Not that she had really slept herself. The knights didn't look much better either. The sorcerer took a deep breath. The beginning of this round had contained the confession of Merlin admitting to his biggest secret. Gwen and Gaius had already known but Percival ad Leon had reacted rather surprised, of course. Leon was about to attack and Percival just stood there, staring at Merlin. He then just sat down and shrugged.

"Fine with me.", he said. Leon stared at him, teeth still pressed together and hand still at his sword. His gaze flew over Gaius and Gwen, who both made no movement to act against Merlin in any way. What the heck was wrong with them?

"What?! Don't you know how evil sorcerers can be? Haven't you seen enough of Morgana to know that? He could have been working with her all this time!" he accused and Merlin tried to keep a straight face at that accusation. He couldn't resist lifting an eyebrow though. Seriously? Percival just laughed dryly.

"Leon. Come on. You know Merlin. No evil bone in his body. There's no way he worked with Morgana. I even bet he was the one to kill her at the lake. I saw two horses at the Lake and if I hear correctly, Arthur wasn't really in any position to stab anybody." He reasoned. Leon relaxed a little, staring at Merlin in wonder. Gwen then spoke up, her voice kind.

"Weren't you once saved by the druids with the cup of life? There are kind magic bearers out there, Leon. You should know that.", that explained why she wasn't shocked. She had already known. In secret, Leon wondered for how long. He sat down heavily on the chair at the wooden table and huffed.

"Well yeah…of course. I'm sorry, Merlin. I suppose…I served too long under Uther, hunting down sorcerers…" he admitted, coughing slightly. Merlin had just shrugged and even smiled a bit.

"It's okay. Seriously, you're all reacting far calmer than I awaited. Even Arthur-" he cut himself off and looked down. Gwen had let him calm himself before then asking what exactly had happened. She had wanted to know all Merlin could tell, didn't force him to say anything he didn't want to. He admitted to having murdered Morgana with Excalibur, which was forged in a dragon's breath. He also admitted to actually being a Dragonlord –the last one mind you- and having tried to summon Kilgarrah, the great dragon to help him save Arthur before it was too late. But the dragon had told him that Arthur could not be saved. Yet. That he would rise again when Albion needed him most. The once and future king. And that he, Emrys, would wait for him to do so. That's how they got to this point but Merlin still didn't feel ready. Even so, he tried.

"I…look, I have my ways." He explained, trying to stay calm. He couldn't very well just say 'Oh yeah, by the way. I'm not only a Dragonlord and the most powerful sorcerer to ever walk the earth, I'm also freaking immortal! No big deal.' Gaius again raised an eyebrow.

"Merlin…what exactly happened in the Crystal Cave?" alright. And again, Gaius had nailed the question to the center of the problem. Was that another one of his talents? Probably. Merlin just sighed but before he could answer, Leon spoke up.

"What is a crystal cave?" he asked, blinking. Gaius quickly turned to him, having his teacher expression on as if Leon was a child that needed teaching the basics.

"It's a place in the valley of the fallen kings. It is said in the old tales that it is the place were magic began. Where everything started.", he said.

"So that's where you went before the battle?", Gwen asked, gasping. She finally started to put the pieces together. Finding out about what Merlin had been up to distracted her from the loss filling her heart and it was a good feeling. Well, better than grieving at night, all on her own in that giant bed… Merlin just nodded.

"Yes. Morgana had stolen my magic." The servant pronounced the sentence as if it was poison on his tongue. Gwen also thought she saw a hint of fear in his eyes while saying so. Oh god, it must have been terrible for him to be ridden of his power. He probably really relied on it…

"I couldn't help Arthur without it so I made my way there. But Morgana found out through her spy and she came there to trap me. It was only by luck I actually found my way to the center of the cave. I…got my magic back but more than that. The cave showed me pictures of the battle and how Arthur could be outflanked. So I sent him a dream message. That's how he knew about the path in the mountains, yes. I was also shown a way to survive until the day Arthur returns. However long it'll take, I will be there to wait for him." He finished the topic with the tone that finished his sentence. The others didn't press any further. It didn't need to be said. They all concluded what that would mean. Gaius briefly wondered if Merlin would age at all from now on. He was not even 30…would he stay 30 for the rest of eternity? Well that would sure look odd. The physician was sure he'd think of something to prevent that.

Suddenly, Gwen also understood why he had wanted to leave Camelot. He had still made it his purpose in life to serve Arthur. Without him, Camelot was not as much of a home to him as it was before. And since he would have to wait that long, without aging probably, he would have to see them all die. It was the hard but simple truth. If he stayed here, he'd watch even more of his friends die right before him. This time though, maybe not by a sword but simply by age. She had to cover her mouth to prevent herself from starting to cry again. This was just too cruel. Not only had Merlin done everything for Arthur, tried everything to keep him alive and prevent his death from happening, he had also both failed and succeeded, damning himself to a immortal life of waiting for his friend to return to him. She held her stomach and let out a small whine, unable to contain herself. Gaius reached out and gently stroked her shoulder with his hand while he himself kept his gaze on Merlin, who was still finding the table extremely interesting. They sat there in silence for far too long. Finally, Merlin stood up all of a sudden, walking over to the bed and fiddled with the unruly sheets that Gwen had left that way since she really had had other things on her mind that wondering about when to make her bed. They all watched him with different things running through their mind. Different stages of admiring and wonder, Percival mainly putting pieces together that were now finally making sense to him. Branches falling on their enemies, enemies dropping their weapons for no apparent reason, Arthur always getting back to Camelot alive, no matter how fatal the wound, how they were able to conquer Camelot back from an army of immortal soldiers with just a handful of men, …so many things finally made some sense that they hadn't had before and he hadn't even realized they lacked. How must this have been for Arthur, knowing Merlin even longer than him and being even closer to the boy? All of their thoughts were interrupted, when Merlin was ready with the bed and looking up to them, having a casual mask on his face, pretending to be totally fine. Oh god, it was painful to watch him like this, really.

"Where is Gwaine, by the way? I haven't seen him since I said goodbye to him at the Crystal C-" he stopped himself upon seeing their faces suddenly fall, even Gaius'. Merlin shook his head in disbelieve.

"No…no, not him too! W-what happened? He wouldn't let himself be killed by some random Saxon!", Merlin demanded an answer to that question and stared at them one after another. Percival was the one to speak up. After all, he knew the most about what actually happened.

"He and I went after Morgana. We…we thought we could finally put an end to her. Of course she defeated us and she…she tortured him, I think with that snake she once used on Elyan too. He..he was screaming and he must have given in. His…his last words to me were that he thought he failed. He's not woken up ever since. Gaius says there's nothing he can do." He didn't look up, the mood that Merlin was in was almost sensible, he didn't need to look up to see that he was becoming very angry. His fists were balled and he glittered his teeth.

"NO! God, Percival! You should have known not to go after her! She was my goddamn responsibility!", he yelled at the knight, not a tiny bit afraid of him. Why would he? Percival now saw why he had never been afraid or respectful of any of them, not even Arthur. He could take them apart with just a gaze of those startling blue eyes. One word and they would be at his mercy. Of course he was loyal and always good natured so he would never do that but he had never had this level of respect and that hint of being afraid of his master any normal servant had.

"How were we supposed to know!? Gwaine was in so much rage because we had no idea what happened to you or why she chose to spy on Gwaine of all people to get information on Arthur! We didn't care who she was, this just had to end! And how is she your responsibility, it's hardly your fault she's turned evil and corrupted!", he defended himself, now also standing up. He was of course far taller than Merlin was and also on the other side of the room. Still, he couldn't help but wonder what Merlin could actually do when he was really angry. At his words, the servant suddenly became very quiet. He pressed his lips together and cursed something under his breath. Then he looked up at Gaius.

"Where is he?", he demanded with a steady voice but one could hear the shake in it when listening closely.

"Merlin, there's nothing you can do. The damage to the brain is far too great, he won't make it through the da-"

"Gaius, just tell me where he is!" he pressed further, this time angrier. Gaius sighed heavily and nodded.

"In my chambers.", he finally admitted. And in a heartbeat, Merlin was already out the door, slamming the wooden planks shut behind him. Everything was quiet again. Then, at Percival's confused gazed, Gaius explained.

"He blames himself for Morgana and how she turned out to become. She confided in him when she discovered her powers. He thinks that if he may have told her, she may not have turned out as she did. That's why he had always thought it was his responsibility to end her and his fault whenever she attacked any of his friends." He sighed sadly but Gwen shook her head.

"But..that's hardly his fault, really! If he would have told her she would have probably just killed him sooner! Morgana had confided in Morgause, there was no way to turn fate around in what became of her. One way or another, the thought of her having magic and Uther hating her because of it just corrupted her. That's not Merlin's fault!" she reasoned. Gaius and Leon just nodded in agreement.

"I've tried to reason with him many times because of this. He just doesn't listen. And I fear he will also blame himself for Mordred turning on them and Arthur's death because of it no matter what I may say. I…should go look what he's up to." He finally said and stood up. To his surprise, Gwen also rose.

"I'm going with you. Leon, Percival, would you define the knight duties for today in my stead?" she asked kindly and Leon nodded in respect.

"Of course, my Lady.", he said before they all left the room together, Gaius and Gwen on their way to Gaius' chambers while Leon and Percival strode to the knight's quarters. Upon their arrival in the physician's chambers, they saw Merlin sitting on a chair next to the bed, leaning over Gwaine, holding a hand over his forehead, his own was in a worried frown while he looked like he would break down in tears again any moment. Gaius put a hand on his shoulder and Gwen made her way to the other side of the bed, sitting down on the bench there. Gwaine, dressed in a white tunic but half concealed by the sheets of the bed, looked really pale, unnaturally. Almost dead already, if Gwen was honest. His face still looked in pain though, his fists clenching the sheets and sweat pouring down his handsome features.

"You're right, Gaius. T-the damage is really great." He sighed and sat back in the chair, running his hands through his hair furiously. He looked so desperate. And that's what he was. First Arthur, now Gwaine as well…he couldn't just let another friend die directly before him. He just…couldn't.

"There has to be a way." He mumbled, searching in his memory for a spell that would do this much damage justice. He had healed Arthur from a deadly poison god damn it! There had to be a way to save Gwaine. Something…

"Merlin…I tried everything, believe me.", Gaius tried to calm the young man while Gwen was watching the two of them with concern in her beautiful features. She carefully put a hand of her own on Gwaine's and tried to find a pulse. There was one but it was really, really weak. Whatever Morgana had done, it was fatal. Maybe it was even a miracle that he was still alive at all.

"Yeah well, Gaius. I wasn't suggesting a normal method and you know that. There has to be a spell…" he said, searching through his memories.

"Should I get your book from your chamber?", Gaius asked carefully, surprised by the snap in his ward's voice. But Merlin just shook his head.

"No, I know it by heart for a long time now. There's nothing in there.", he said, sure of himself. A cure for the torture of the Nathair…oh if he only had a proper book for magic healing! Gaius mainly had books about magic of the old religion, yes. But he was told that he had to put away all his old books…..wait.

"Gaius. What of the books of healing you once possessed? Where are they?", he asked in a haste, wanting this to be done as quickly as possible. Gwaine didn't have much time. Really not much. Gaius was a little startled though. He spoke slowly, making Merlin even more anxious.

"In the vault, Merlin. They were either burned or kept down in the vaults so nobody could get to them. So many books about magic…" he mused, it dawned on him what Merlin had planned. The sorcerer looked up to the queen, sitting on the other side of the bed.

"Gwen. Were you serious when you said you would consider lifting the ban on magic?", he asked and his eyes were almost shining with that old shimmer Gwen knew so well. She mustered a smile as well.

"Of course I meant it. Why would I lie to you?", she asked. Then she added: "Do you need the keys to the vaults? I can get them from my-"

"No, no. I don't need any keys. Just need your permission. You know, in case I'm asked." Gwen nodded and took off the ring with the royal seal from around her neck where it hung in between her breasts. Merlin and Gaius of course turned their gazes away but Merlin took the ring with gratitude. "Here. Take good care of it. But I know you will. The guards will never question you if you're carrying that. Good luck." She said and Merlin nodded again before storming off in the other direction.

He stormed through the corridors as if his life depended on it. Well, not his but Gwaine's. And he wouldn't just let him die. He was lucky he even made it to Camelot again. Percival was a good friend to still carry him here in this state even though it seemed hopeless. But he was here now. He was supposed to be the most powerful sorcerer to ever life. If he couldn't do something about it, nobody probably could.

Finally, he arrived in the dungions. They were patrolled and guarded but as they saw the royal seal, they let the urgent warlock through pretty quickly. He opened the doors with his magic, not caring if the guards saw and searched through the separate prison cells to see where he could find the pillars and pillars of magic books. He found them pretty quickly, piled up in a corner, forgotten, unimportant. But not any longer. His full lips formed a smile and he let them fly over to him in a heartbeat, piling them up in his arms with no problem. He didn't take the time to look through them, just made sure all he carried were healing books and then made his way back to the entrance, jogging. He locked the lock again behind him with another flash of golden eyes and trashed past the slightly confused guards, who were probably wondering why he hurried so much when he was just carrying books.

Arriving back at Gaius' chambers, he dropped the pile of books on the table, that had gone a few inches over his head and with a flash of his eyes, he lined them up around them and flung them open, stretching his hands out. Gwen, still sitting by Gwaine's side, watched him with widened eyes. It was the first time she actually saw him doing magic in front of her –despite the rock crushing thing yesterday- and it felt so different from the day before. Like this was actually him, all natural and acting as if it was a part of who he was. Which was most probably the case. Gaius also turned around but caught himself one of the books, making himself useful by filing through them. With surprise, Gwen saw the royal seal flying through the air towards her, hovering before her until she finally got the message and took it back into her hands.

"Er, thanks, Merlin.", she stuttered. Oh she'd take ages to get used to this, really. Several minutes passed, in which Gaius frequently checked Gwaine's pulse and temperature and Gwen renewed the wet cloth on his forehead as she had done with Merlin so many years back in the very same bed. Suddenly, a yell made from Merlin made them all jump.

"Got it! Oh god, that's complicated.", he toned down and walked over to them with the book in his hands, carefully placing it against Gwaine's legs on the bed. There was a drawing of a snake on the top of the page and below it, a text in a language Gwen had never even read or heard of before. Merlin mumbled under his breath and turned to Gaius.

"I need…Primrose and…vinegar. Mix it to a tincture.", he looked up to Gaius pleadingly, his tone of command and anger from before was completely gone. Gaius nodded and got to work, quickly returning with the green liquid in his hands, which he handed his ward with a nod. He took it and put his finger inside it, smearing it onto Gwaine's temples. Then he took the cloth from his forehead and poured the potion onto it, placing it back on his head. Finally, he made his way to the end of the bed, placed his hands on both sides of Gwain's forehead and let his eyes glow to let the book hover before him so he could read. And he began to chant.

"_Oh dduwies triphlyg, yn rhoi cryfder i mi wella hyn enaid gwael. Glir ei feddwl ac yn adfer ei oleuni. Helpwch y cynnydd hwn ddyn teg unwaith eto."_, while Merlin was speaking, his hands began to glow. Strands of golden light emitted from between his fingers and the liquid on Gwaine's forehead also glowed, from it more golden threads began to emit and wrapped itself around the knight's head, then his neck and finally his upper and lower body. The whole bed was filled with golden light strings that seemed to sink into Gwaine's body and came back out, spinning a net that seemed to have a system Gwen couldn't identify. Her fingers found themselves at her lips again.

"It's beautiful..", she whispered under her breath. She looked up to Merlin's face and had to gasp quietly, her eyes widened ever more. All the color was drained from the warlock's face and his breathing had begun to become shallow. This was draining him off a lot of energy, everybody could see that. Gaius was seriously worried as it would seem and he stepped forward, pressing his hand on Merlin's shoulder, trying to get him away. Gwaine was showing no change at all…

"Merlin. Please, stop. It's not going to work-"

"Almost there. Don't make me stop.", Merlin pressed in between his breaths and concentrated on the healing again, chanting the last few sentences.

"_Anghofio am y boen a achoswyd ac yn lleddfu ei gyrru y neidr gwenwynig i ffwrdd."_ He finished and just as sudden as the golden light had faded when he finished, Merlin collapsed on the floor, his head narrowly missing the next desk, his vision immediately blurring into darkness.

"Merlin! Oh dear boy…", Gaius shouted and crouched over to where Merlin had fallen. He felt his forehead and opened his lids to look if he was just exhausted or if he even possibly took the illness of Gwaine for himself. As depressed as he was about Arthur's death, the physician wouldn't even think it impossible. He should have checked the effect of the spell beforehand!

"Quickly, Gwen. Get the guards, I can't lift him up on my own, he's become too heavy for me." He said but Gwen just shook her head.

"No, I'm not. Come on, he can't be that heavy! He's still very thin after all. I'll get the front, you get the legs.", she said with certainty and crouched down to get her hands under Merlin's shoulders. She had to admit, it wasn't easy getting the young man up the stairs to his bed. Firstly because he was really heavier than she had imagined and secondly because her dress wasn't really designed for much movement, much less carrying surprisingly heavy servants. Arthur would have been able to heave Merlin with just one arm, probably. But no, she really shouldn't be thinking of him now, that was for when she was alone again.

"Arthur…" she flinched, when the name sounded from Merlin's lips. He was still pale and a little sweaty but Gaius had said he would be alright once he woke up. But nightmares seemed to be taking him over.

"Arthur… I'm so sorry…should've been faster. Should've been there sooner…", he whispered, his breathing heavy and his fists grabbing for the sheets below him. Gwen's face turned sad and she went downstairs to get another cloth and some water while Gaius was again down tending to Gwaine when she suddenly heard a scream from Merlin's room. It was so painful it ripped to her very soul and she was up the staircase again as fast as her high heels could carry her, Gaius directly behind her.

"Nightmares…not good.", Gaius said under his breath. It wasn't really necessary, Gwen could see that herself. She had treated to Morgana many years when she had had her vivid nightmares about the future. The queen wondered if Merlin also had the abilities of a seer? Was he having dreams of their future? Was it really that bad? H-how could it still get any worse? She swallowed down her worries and helped Gaius trying to wake Merlin. The warlock kept on screaming, almost falling out of bed and Gwen figured it was no use. She hurried downstairs, got the bucket full of cold water and splashed it directly into Merlin's face. Luckily, Gaius had seen her coming and stepped out of the way. With an astonished gasp, Merlin returned to the living and sat upright immediately.

"W-what was that for?" he asked, staring at Gwen with a completely fathomed expression. The queen almost had to smile. She was so glad the pain was gone from his face, it had been so devastating. This had been just a little insight of the pain he was going through and she couldn't have been able to stand it a second longer.

"You were going to hurt yourself, kicking and screaming like that.", she said, one hand at her hip while Merlin laid back down heavily, suddenly realizing what a terrible headache he had.

"Alright, fine…how is Gwaine? Did I….fail?", he asked, covering his eyes with his hands, obviously not ready to face the bad news. Gwen looked up to Gaius hopefully, waiting for good news. To her astonishment, he actually smiled.

"He's much better than before, Merlin. You may have actually done it! We still have to make sure though, wait if he wakes up in the next few days. He will need much rest and I'm not sure if he'll be able to be a knight again after all this." The last remark was made rather sadly and with a much more serious face but Merlin nodded, the hands disappearing from his eyes.

"Okay..okay, that's…good I guess. At least he's alive. I…really didn't want him to die thinking he failed his king…" Merlin looked to the side and Gwen suddenly realized that he was talking about himself, too and her heart ached again. She held back the tears and went over to Merlin's bed, sitting down beside him. She was going to try and cheer him up a bit. Sure, she was still hurting herself but if everything went according to plan, Merlin would see Arthur again, after all. She felt sad, so very sad and broken that she may not even be there herself but she was glad that at least, Arthur wouldn't be all alone. Or would be really dead. In a way, Merlin did save him. Just not the way he had hoped to achieve it.

"No, Merlin! Don't make yourself think that. You haven't failed Arthur. You did all you could and he'll be back! One day, you'll see him again. If you do, you can tell him all the things you did while he was sleeping, tell him the adventures you had and what became of Camelot and its citizens. He'll love to hear it! Tell him how you healed Gwaine and how we lifted the ban on magic together. Tell him what adventures you lived and what you achieved. Tell him how much I love him and how much we all miss him dearly. Wouldn't that be good to hear after a long time of sleep?" tears welled up in her eyes but she tried to ignore them when they made their path down her cheeks. Merlin looked up to her, his hair still wet when she stroked through it with a wet smile. Slowly, the pain in his face eased a little bit and he nodded.

"Yes…maybe you're right. Thank you, Gwen." He said and struggled to sit up but Gaius pushed him back down.

"Oh no, young man. You're staying right were you are. It's a wonder you're awake after such a powerful spell." He smiled and stood upright again. "I never realized how very powerful you've become over the years.", he said with pride in his voice and this time, Merlin really did smile. It lifted Gwen's heart a bit to see him happier, it reminded her of old, carefree times so much. How they had first met, down by the stocks, where he had said that he could beat Arthur easily. Now she finally understood what he had meant. The thought made her giggle inwardly a bit. Finally letting go of Merlin's hair now, she got up and brushed her dress straight a bit, it was all wrinkeled from moving around so fast and carrying Merlin up the stairs. She checked if the royal seal was in place and then smiled a final smile at Merlin.

"See you at the meeting this evening? I summoned the council for after supper.", she said and then walked out the door after Merlin had nodded his agreement. Gaius was back with Gwaine again and he did look a tiny bit better than before, wasn't clinging to the sheet below him anymore and his fever seemed less intense too. She sure hoped he'd be okay, he was a noble and loyal knight and even if he wouldn't be able to fight any more, he was still a good friend for Merlin. And Gwen was sure that the warlock needed a friend like that right now.

She really hoped that she had been able to help him and she was really glad that he had agreed on staying here, even if it meant going through that much pain. But she was confident that it would also help him. If he had gone out into the world alone like that, just waiting and waiting, what would have become of him? How would he have changed? And would Arthur want him to change because of him? Because Gwen was pretty sure that her husband wouldn't want that.

So she just wouldn't let him.

* * *

_Yeah. I know, that was pretty long...I just really need to get this stuff out and when I let myself write out my heart like this, it turns out sooo long x_x. Hope you're okay with that? x_X_

_I'll continue this now, no worries. But don't expect a frequent update, I still have my PJ story running and I really need to finish that one ^^. _

_**NEXT CHAPTER:** Council meeting and lift of the ban on Magic. Also, I was thinking: What about children? Gwen needs an heir. So what do you believe is more believable, that she finally got pregnant from Arthur right before the battle (I favour that one personally) or that she remarries somebody (probably Leon since they're childhood friends and he's a honorable knight)? PLEASE HELP ME ON THIS XD_

_Feel free to drop a review, every single one makes my day! :3_


	3. Fix you

_**Thanks to: Lightningbolt21** (You think? I think it's quite nice they didn't kill him off...though I would have prefered Gwaine to life of course D:), **polzie44** (Here you go :) And yeah, I try to update fast, I'm actually really obsessed to get this out of my head),** razorstar90** (yeah, I agree :)),** Aeriscetra12**, **flyaway213**, **Merlin-Herondale** (Aww, thank you :3 Here you go then :D), **Moon Fox** (thank you :) And yeah, my pain isn't gone yet so more writing will come x_x), **Guest **, **Caerfryddin **(Only nearly? I'm disappointed XD No, kidding. See what this chapter brings *muhaha*), **MoonlitIvy** (yeah well, the series wasn't entirely accurate to the legends anyway so...I'm not really considering that as a reason xD Going to take the names of his real sons though. They're cool ^^ And thanks! :3), **ABVM** (Thank you very much :) And go read to find out :D), **Black Gloves** (Never complaining about long reviews, love them in fact! :D And yes, thanks for the funeral tip, I'll do that :) And you'll find out, I have planned to reveal what he was up to ;P) AND **megan** (Done :))  
_

_ALSO: A guess accused me of cheating Merthur into the fanfic in the first chapter. I changed the sentense about the Arthur-Merlin bond in Gwen's thoughts and made a long explanation at the end of chapter one. If you were commenting about this, please go read it, I think it's rather relevant xD_

_**Disclaimer:** Merlin doesn't belong to me but to the bbc._

_**A/N:** Going with the idea of Gwen carrying Arthur's child :) It's more plausible anyway and I have another reason that you will see at the end of the chapter! :D_

_Thanks for the reviews, they're really helping me ^^. Many skips this chapter but I didn't want to bore you...it's freaking 7000 words, I feel so crazy x_x. Hope I wrote the characters believable and all :D._

_Have a good start in the new year tomorrow! :3_

_BTW: My PJ Fanfic will continue, yes. I just need time to get over Merlin, I...can't really concentrate on other stuff somehow. It's strange x_x. But I WILL finish the other one, after all I promised!_

_Now enjoy! :)_

* * *

**03. Fix you**

„It's settled, then. The ban on Magic will be lifted. Merlin and I will make arrangement to the specific rules and what parts of magic shall be forbidden still. After that, we shall arrange the announcement for next week! All in favor?" to Merlin's surprise, the men around the table all raised their hands. Leon and Percival smiled at him and Merlin seriously couldn't believe that this actually happened. Guinevere had summoned the council for this evening and they had gathered around the round table, discussing it. Of course there had been objections when Gwen first spoke out but she assured them that there was a proper reason and gestured to Merlin. The manservant was seated in the empty seat next to Athur's that had once belonged to Elyan and now stood up.

"My Lords, Sir Knights. I have a reason to sit and not stand behind the queen. May I demonstrate you something?" and then he mumbled a few words, opening his hands and a whole swarm of blue glowing butterflies suddenly emitted from between his palms, flying around the room happily. Merlin smiled his cheerful grin and watched patiently as hell broke loose in the council room. He was still pale and exhausted from the powerful spell this morning but a little sleep and a few disgusting potions from Gaius had helped him get to his feet rather fast. Several of the knights who didn't know Merlin now began attacking, the elderly councilmen had begun to stand up and try and flee from the room but Percival and Leon were up and ready to keep everything at bay and Gwen quickly threw her hand on the table to silence them. There was a short bombardment of questions but they were all soon calming down and letting Merlin explain everything. He had clarified that he was the sorcerer named Emrys by the Druids, that he had protected Arthur ever since he came to Camelot and that he would still protect the kingdom if he was allowed to stay. He swore to never have been in any alliance with Morgana, even admitted that he was the one to kill her and so got the men to calm down. Now that all hands were raised for the ban to be released, Gwen obviously breathed a lot lighter. She had the full support of all the people and her councilmen but Merlin knew that she was still uncertain of ruling properly without Arthur by her side. She then smiled at them.

"Very well. I may also lay my whole faith in Merlin here to guide us through these unstable times with his magic. I trust there was once a position for court sorcerer at this court?" she asked one of the oldest councilman, who was apparently also the most tolerant, since he hadn't jumped up and tried to flee upon seeing the swarm of butterflies fly out of Merlin's hand. Maybe he was also just able to see what magic was evil and which was not.

"Well, yes. Not far before Uther's time, there was indeed a court sorcerer present, my Lady.", he confirmed and Gwen beamed, turning her head to Merlin. The latter suddenly realized what his queen was thinking and shook his hands in front of his upper body.

"No! No, Gwen you really don't need to! I don't need a title to protect you and Camelot! I'll just stay and help Gaius out, be a stable boy or something." he said, totally forgetting to use his formalities. The councilmen shot him doubtful looks and he quickly mustered himself.

"I mean, my Lady. That's really not necessary, my Lady.", he corrected himself, to which they finally turned away. But Gwen insisted, patting his hand on the table a little.

"No, you earned it, really. All the things you must have done while we all had no clue. Just accept the gratitude this once, Merlin. For me?" she didn't really mind him calling her Gwen if she was honest. He always had, after all. She didn't see why that needed to change. And she also really wanted him to be court sorcerer. It was a promotion, in a way. He'd be sitting with her at the round table, just as Gaius did now (hewasn't present because he was still treating Gwaine and the other wounded from the battle –which were many), Merlin would have an excuse to use magic all the time, which she assumed would make him happier and also pose a distraction and he would have a word to say in general, a proper title to which he could go rather than Merlin the servant of the king. Which he wasn't anymore, as sad as it was. He may still be Arthur's servant and true friend but as long as Arthur was dead to the world, he was just an unemployed servant who wandered around the castle because Gwen wanted him to or because Gaius needed him as his younger legs. The queen didn't want him to ponder away and have nothing to do, didn't want him to be left with his thoughts. Because she had witnessed firsthand what those thoughts looked like. Dark, grooming, blaming himself…he couldn't make that a habit, otherwise he would become bitter and nobody wanted that Merlin of all people would become bitter. Gwen knew him as the cheerful serving boy who was always able to make her smile, no matter what. And she didn't want him to lose that ability, she knew that it wasn't only for her that way. Many of the employers, servants and knights liked Merlin as their friend, adviser, even role model (even if he was a terrible servant according to Arthur).

So the queen had thought of this solution over the day. She hadn't told Merlin of it, assuming he would react exactly as he did now. The man was just too humble sometimes. He was powerful, she had seen that. No doubt was he more than fit for the position of court sorcerer. She smiled at him reassuringly and finally, he gave in.

"Alright. When we sorted the categories of magic out, I will take the position.", he said, smiling at Gwen weakly. It was enough for the brunette and she let go of his hand, ending the council meeting with that.

* * *

A whole week had passed and for Merlin, that had mainly meant that he was freeing the rest of the books from the dungeons and sorting out all kinds of magic that he would consider evil sorcery which should not be openly practiced and considered so bad that they should be treated with severe penalty. He of course discussed the penalties with Gwen, wanting to get rid of the immediate death threat and suggesting things like ridding them of their power for a certain time, making them stay under his wing for a while, in the prison in magic chains or something along that line, assuming that they were willing to redeem themselves for their actions. If that repeatedly wasn't the case, Merlin agreed that death by beheading would probably be inevitable. After all, they had to do everything to make something like Morgana impossible to happen again. Finally, on the last day before the official announcement, Merlin set down his feather and smiled widely. The list was finished. A precise list of all the particularly dark magic he was able to find in his books or if they weren't in them, what dark magic he had encountered. It was a pretty long set of parchment and until tomorrow, he needed to make at least ten copies of it to be taken out to the outline villages. For that though, Gwen had sent him two assistants to copy the thing, which was really strange for him, since he was usually the one doing all the work and not the one giving orders. With a gulp, he gave his work to the two young men, who were apparently professional book copy writers –he didn't even know there was an actual profession for that to be honest- and they noded to him before rushing off to finish their work. Merlin sank back in his seat and looked over to where Gwaine was sleeping. The colour had begun to come back to his face and he wasn't shouting and sweating with fever any more but he still hadn't woken up after this whole week. Merlin began to wonder if he had actually failed to heal him. But he had been getting better! So why wasn't he awakening?

"You have to get to bed, Merlin. The announcement tomorrow will be a big day for you after all." Gaius reminded him, patting his shoulder fondly and smiling at him. After all, he'd be court sorcerer tomorrow, making it official that he had magic and at the same day, lifting the ban on magic together with Gwen by his side. He had to force himself for a smile and stood up to get to his room, which he had ridden off most of his stuff because Gwen had assigned him new chambers right underneath the ones of Gaius' and since they were still in one of the towers, he still had a great view on the city from his chambers. He would be having all the books on magic from the dungeons down there, desks and shelves full of magic ingredients for tinctures, magical gems he had collected over the years and he had even gotten himself a pillar in a presentable place in the room to put the crystal of Neahtid he had asked Gwen to get him from the vaults. After all, last time he had been in the crystal cave, it hadn't flooded him with images like it used to at his last visit. He and Gaius had concluded that by now, he was able to control the crystal fully, which meant that it was save to stay in his quarters without giving him frequent headaches.

Back in his room, Merlin quickly let go of his smile and plunged himself into bed right after changing into his night clothes. His face became haunted once again and even though tomorrow would be what he had always wished for: The lift on the ban on magic, for him to live freely and even as court sorcerer… it wasn't making him happy. Because all the days he had wished for this day to arrive, dreamed of it, it had been Arthur announcing the news to the crowd, Arthur telling his people that he trusted him with this position, that he wanted him by his side still, even though he indeed was a sorcerer. He often hadn't dared to even dream this but when he had, he had wanted it that way, with his best friend. And now…now Arthur was dead to the world and it pained him so much that he couldn't fight away the quiet sobs and couldn't keep the tears from streaming down his pained face. He grabbed his shirt where his heart was and held it there because it hurt. It hurt so much, all of this. Sure, one day he may see his friend again and he would wait for that way, however long it may take. But for now, all he had wished for was gone, impossible. Arthur wouldn't see Gwaine heal, he wouldn't be there at the announcement, he wouldn't see his new chambers. He couldn't tell him that he was maybe even proud to have him being more than a servant, though he would probably never admit that. Arthur wouldn't be there to stare at him and declare that he still wanted his breakfast from him because he didn't want unfunny George to wake him up, especially because the guy woke him up way too early. None of that would come to pass and essentially, it was still his fault. He had heard that prophecy, he had seen that vision. He didn't warn Arthur of Mordred, didn't fully trust Morgana. He had poisoned her, making her depend even more on Maugause. It was him who hadn't tried all to make Mordred stay, hadn't told him what would come of love like that, hadn't told him that he'd been through the same. It was also him who had let Aithusa out of his care and when he had seen her again, stay with Morgana. The priestess would have never been able to forge Mordred's sword in Aithusa's breath if Aithusa had stayed with Kilgarrah or at least returned to him. Even if Mordred did stab Arthur then, he would have been able to just heal it with the right amount of magic. They would have returned together, they would have defeated Morgana once and for all and they would have lifted the ban on magic on their own account. Now of course it would come true but it was all just…wrong. He wanted to run away, wanted to hide and wait and let time simply fly by. But he feared what he would do if he was completely left alone. The people here needed him, Gwen was right about that. And he should use his life for good instead of sitting in the dark and waiting. Shouldn't he? He had made so, so many mistakes which all led to this result and he feared by staying, he may even make things worse. Yes, he was always the one to save Arthur but in the end, he wasn't even able to achieve that!

His sobs rocked him closer to sleep and he didn't even register if Gaius was able to hear him. Which he was. The physician pondered with the thought of going up and trying to calm Merlin but he finally decided against it. Wounds of the heart as deep as these were something even he couldn't heal. With a sad gaze the old man continued his work while his heart stung with every broken sob he could hear from the boy's chambers. Finally, when he thought he was about to jump up and really try to comfort the warlock, the noises stopped and Merlin settled down properly. In his chamber, Merlin did indeed quiet down the sobs. He was half asleep, when the image of Arthur suddenly returned to his mind with his head lulling about and his face dead serious.

"_I don't want you to change. I want you…to always…be you."_

His blue eyes flew open, still red from all the tears and he almost breathed out an ironic laugh. Had Arthur said that with this outcome in mind? Had he already known that they wouldn't make it to the lake? One thing was sure though: He had totally meant it. And if that was true, then…then maybe he should really stay here, stay true to the part of him that was helping out others, putting them above himself entirely. Try to be happy again, waiting for Arthur with patience and the knowledge, that one day he would live again and be back at his side. Yes, that was what he was supposed to do, what fate had thought out for him. Even if destiny was cruel and sometimes unfair, he had to endure it, there was no way around it. It wouldn't be that dull if he actually got a profession and all these books to read after all…

And with those more or less happy thoughts, he finally drifted off into the most peaceful sleep he'd had all week.

...

"...and because of that, I hereby announce: By the power invested in me, I, Queen Guinevere Pendragon of Camelot declare the ban on magic and hereby the penalty by death as lifted!", Gwen declared the next morning. She had explained how Morgana was killed by a good natured sorcerer and that sorcery was indeed not just evil and that depended on who wielded it. The crowd hadn't protested, maybe they were even all aware of that. Not all had agreed with the ruthless killing Uther had done after all. Most of them were trusting Arthur and now her to make the right decisions. A smile formed on her full lips at the astonishment and then cheering of the crowd, she saw relieved faces in some places, wary ones in the other but she knew, in a few days, maybe weeks they would have accepted it. She had her maidens ask around town for the opinion of the people on her decision and it had been mainly positive. Since everyone knew that Morgana was defeated now, magic didn't pose that big of a thread any more, they were more open to the thought of positive aspects of sorcery. The queen sure hoped they would keep that opinion.

She then finally turned to Merlin. He was dressed differently today. This morning, Gwen had sent a servant to his room to wake him and lay finer clothes out for him, which must have shocked the warlock to death, since the Queen was told the boy was later seen running down the corridor with a good deal of his shirt burned at the front. She had to chuckle a bit at the thought of Merlin waking up and automatically defending himself with magic like that.

"Gwen, I'm so sorry about the servant. I should apologize to him later. A little warning next time, I almost killed him! He was lucky I have developed such a fast reaction over my years here." _With Arthur,_ was what he let hang in the air. But he didn't need to mention that to Gwen, she knew what he had meant. Thinking of all that training and hunting Arthur had forced him to attend, his reaction probably wasn't as bad as his sword fighting still was. So she just smiled and waved it away at the beginning of the ceremony.

"Don't worry. I already spoke to him and he said you did seem really sorry and it was just his shirt, nothing reached his skin.", she soothed his conscious and Merlin did seem far more relaxed after that. His new clothes suited him. She had gotten him basically the same clothes he always wore, just far better quality and finer cut on all edges. He looked almost like a too thin and little too casual prince now, Gwen found it suited him. He still had his neckerchief on, this time made from the material most of her dresses were made of and his black hair was freshly washed and still a little bit wet, standing around in every direction. He had fine leather boots with straps running around them, they looked really comfortable for long walks, probably far better than his old ones. She looked down at the crowd and how they curiously looked up at Merlin now. The warlock seemed really nervous, fingering his neckerchief or the staff in his hands that held a blue diamond-shaped crystal at the top of it. The news that the fallen king's former manservant, who had served him for years was a powerful sorcerer had spread around town like a wildfire in dry grass even though Gwen was sure she had told the Councilmen not to shout it around. Well, no matter. At least nobody tried to attack Merlin. They all looked a mixture of curious and anticipating. She guessed that was a good thing. In case they did try to attack…well, she wasn't sure if Merlin couldn't take on a whole crowd, if not an army, anyway. But that wasn't the matter here.

"In addition to that," she announced further, speaking up since her normally small voice must sound over the whole crowd down below. The people immediately went quiet, which made her pride swell a little inside. It was really convenient that this whole lot of people looked up to her like that, even if she was still not really used to that and of course not taking advantage of it.

"I declare a new position to the court, the court sorcerer. This position will now be held by Merlin, whom you all know well as my dear husband's former manservant. Feel free to come to him with any questions and problems regarding magic and the laws of it. He also handed me a list of magic that is still declared as forbidden, as it is mainly pure evil and should not be practiced under any circumstances. Now that Morgana is defeated, we don't want another thread like her to fall over the kingdom. The list includes such as Necromancy and poppet magic, the summoning of evil magical creatures and many more. It will be sent to every village and hung out in the courtyard for all to look at. But for now, we welcome our new court sorcerer, Merlin!" she gestured for her friend to step forward, putting a reassuring smile on so he didn't faint, like he looked close to doing. The warlock nodded, stepped forward and put his staff aside. He mumbled a few words under his breath and little golden spheres seemed to emit from behind him, hovering over the people until one after another popped open and rained down colored ornaments of what looked like sparks but didn't hurt at all to them. The crowd cheered and Merlin smiled from ear to ear for the first time since before the battle of Camlann. It was nice to see him happier again and Gwen didn't regret her decision in the slightest.

Of course there was a feast that evening, starring all the remaining knights, the queen, the court physician,the newly appointed court sorcerer and many more. The mood was surprisingly good, considering how the loss of their king still hovered over their heads. Gwen guessed the alcohol wasn't really innocent with that. But Merlin had decided to entertain them with his magic and it was going rather well, seeing as he knew an astounding range of spells that made pretty things appear out of thin air or how to juggle for one part. At one point, Gwen threw in the joke that she should have rather appointed him as court jester, which made the warlock pout playfully before he blew a sarcastic kiss to her, which actually turned into a swarm of small birds of golden light that made her screech in shock to which Merlin gave a wholehearted laugh.

The evening flew by until finally, Gwen found herself back in her giant bed. She stared up at the beautiful ceiling and remembered her first time lying in there, her wedding night with Arthur. It had been unforgettable, that night. She would always remember his warm lips against her neck, his teasing words at how she turned so red on her cheeks and the way his lips brushed hers playfully when she had pouted because of his teases. She dared not think any further, as the queen already felt hot tears streaming down her cheeks, flowing over her ears and dropping onto the pillow below her dark hair. She drew in a shaky breath and tried to wipe them away only for them to be replaced by new ones. The queen missed her husband so badly and she imagined how he would have enjoyed this evening with them, having fun like old times, probably teasing Merlin all the way for being so girly and not able to properly speak to the crowd but pull magic tricks on them instead. His laughing face flashed in her mind but she tried to wave it away to make her heart stop aching even though that didn't quite work out as planned. She rolled to the side and pulled the covers over her for warmth. Still, she didn't sleep in another hour, when the tears finally subsided and she was able to find some rest in her memories that were her dreams…

* * *

Another few days, maybe even another week passed until Gwen showed the first sickness symptoms. At first, it was nothing special but she soon found it strange to be sick and vomiting every morning and having strange points in the day where she did want to eat far too much. The days were rather busy and she had not seen Gaius nor Merlin despite quick glances in the hallways. There was no complete council meeting planned for that day and so Gwen decided to take some of her time to get over to Gaius', maybe taking something against her stomach problems. She honestly didn't think any of it by that point. Some stomach sickness was going around among the townspeople, she guessed she had caught it too, maybe at the market some mornings ago.

Upon entering the physician's chambers, she was greeted by a working Gaius and a reading Merlin sitting by Gwaine's bedside. The knight was still sound asleep and Gwen tried to swallow down her worry because of that while she greeted the two of them and sat down opposite of Merlin. The court sorcerer greeted back, looking up before his gaze rested on her a moment longer than it should have, an eyebrow raised. He then turned back to his book, saying nothing while he chewed on the bread in his right hand.

"Gwen. What brings me the pleasure? Everything alright?" Gaius asked, ever the polite physician he was. Gwen looked up at him and shook her head.

"Actually, Gaius, I-"

"Urgh. Wha whua." Came a mumbling noise from between her and Merlin. Immediately, everybody in the room froze and Merlin had immediately forgotten his book and bread completely. He tossed it at the next table where it landed with a thud and stood from his chair, walking the step over to Gwaine. This was the first time the knight had raised his voice higher than a mumble and Merlin was able to see his eyes move under the eyelids.

"Gwaine? Gwaine, can you hear me?", he asked, gently shaking the knight's shoulder with his long fingers. It took a few moments, but suddenly, Gwaine's bright brown eyes flew open and he drew in a deep breath, taking in his surroundings and lifting an arm to hold his head.

"Oh god, I feel awful. Merlin, mate, is that you? I think I've had too much last night.", he said, obviously unable to properly focus on Merlin since he was squirting his eyes together even further.

"What're you doing in my chambers, anyway? Or didn't you get me that far? Wait, what- my Lady?! Where am I, what happened?", he asked as he had turned his head and spotted Guinevere, obviously able to see properly again. The queen looked at him with astonishment and wanted to answer but Merlin beat him to it.

"Gwaine, calm down. You didn't exactly go to the tavern last night. For the first time in your life as a knight, there actually is a reason you are in Gaius' chambers.", he began and then sat by Gwaine's side, taking the cloth of his forehead as he continue speaking. "You were tortured by Morgana in the war, with a Nathair. Do you remember anything of it?" he finished his questions and looked at Gwaine accordingly while the knight just stared at his friend and tried to compensate all he was seeing. Merlin was dressed strangely fine, he had deep dark rings under his eyes that hadn't been there last time he remembered. Guinevere looked kind of sick and Gaius didn't look much better either. Something must have happened...something bad. But they were still smiling at him, which was a good sight to see. And he tried to remember. Realization finally dawned in and his eyes widened.

"Yes! Yes oh dear lord, I told her where you were heading! Merlin I am so sorry! I didn't mean to, she…the pain-"

"It's alright, Gwaine. It's a wonder you're even alive right now. Stay calm, it's not your fault.", he said and it sounded like he actually meant it. Gwaine's brain worked and he stared at Merlin some more.

"Yeah, that's right. I…I thought I was dying back there. Percy was with me. How exactly did I survive that?", he asked, looking at the others for confirmation, mainly at Gaius. For all he knew, he would provide the healing answers most of the time.

"I healed you." It came from Merlin, to Gwaine's utter confusion. First, he was confused, then he grinned. He always had known that Merlin was more talented than anybody gave him credit for!

"Well thanks then, mate! Alright, I'm glad I'm back but I need to talk to Arthur, where is he, in the council room? His chambers? Why're you not with him, anyway?" he tried to get up but Merlin pressed him back down as his face was getting more horrid with every word the knight spoke. Right….Gwaine was the only one who didn't know yet. He had no idea…Merlin opened his mouth but no words would escape them, he dropped his gaze and tried with all force to avoid the tears from falling again. Yes, he had made some peace with himself last week but that didn't mean he could properly speak about it or let his thoughts wander to that corner. It was still making him want to cry in a corner and hug his knees for comfort. Gwaine was about to ask when Gaius stepped in.

"You can't go see the king, Gwaine. Arthur died and was taken to Avalon to rise when the kingdom needs him the most. Merlin tried to get him there beforehand but it seems their journey was delayed and it was too late for Arthur…", he explained, not saying that Morgana was indeed part of what kept them from getting there in time. Gwaine didn't need any more guilt on him. It was enough seeing Gwaine's expression turning to pure horror while listening to Gaius and he slowly shook his head.

"No…no way. This can't have just happened. And what do you mean, rise? If he's dead, how is he supposed to rise?", he asked, looking at Merlin now, just to see the pain even more prominent in his eyes. He had never seen his friend suffer so much and he suddenly realized what he had just said. Asking him why he wasn't with Arthur and where the king was, demanding to speak to him even though he couldn't. He inwardly wanted to hit himself for being so stupid. He heard Gwen trying to silent a sob to his other side but he ignored her for the moment, grabbing Merlin's wrist.

"Merlin? Hey, it's not your fault, alright? Just…tell me what happened when you're ready. Remember what Arthur always said? 'No man is worth your tears.' So just calm down and get me something to drink first, eh? My throat is pretty dry from…wait, how long was I out?", he asked and tried to muster a smile. It was hard on him too of course, finding out his king was dead. He first hadn't really liked the royal, despising royals in general, but Arthur had been different. He had given him a reason to serve him, to serve the greater good and fight for what was right. But he had come to this kingdom in the first place because of Merlin. And his friend needed him, so he hid his grieve for later, trying to cheer the poor guy up who had always been by Arthur's side more than any of his knights had ever been, even Leon who was here the longest.

"'Bout two weeks.", Merlin croaked and Gwaine stared at him further. Two weeks? That explained why he looked like he hadn't slept in very long. He ignored his throbbing headache and tried to sit up to his elbows, grabbing Merlin's wrist a little tighter while the ex-servant was trying not to look at him but anywhere else.

"Merlin." He began carefully, wanting to reach over to him and pat his shoulder with his other hand but soon found that his body wasn't quite strong enough and he felt his elbow giving in, dropping himself back to bed and groaned in pain. Shit, his head hurt like hell, how was he supposed to do anything like this? He had already slept for two freaking weeks!

"I told you not to move. Let me see your head again.", Merlin was suddenly focused again, the tears and moaning forgotten. Gwaine wondered how he got around questions about his well being like this, occupying himself with other stuff and constantly doing something instead of being left alone with his thoughts.

"I don't think any herbs will help me against that headache, mate.", Gwaine groaned and shoved Merlin's hand away. A smile suddenly spread on his friends face and that was when Gwaine raised an eyebrow in question.

"I wasn't planning on using any herbs, Gwaine.", he said and lifted his left hand, placing it on Gwaine's forehead. Then, when Gwaine had perfect view of his face, he mumbled something under his breath in a language Gwaine didn't know and suddenly, his eyes glowed golden and before he knew, the pain in his head seemed to subside, dull was maybe the more precise description. As Merlin's eyes turned back to blue, he smiled even wider, obviously amused by Gwaine's completely gobsmacked expression. The knight didn't flinch back, he just stared. Then he checked what the other two in the room were doing. They too seemed to watch him, waiting for a reaction. So they had known…Well then..

"So that's what you were up to back then…Am I mistaken? Something magical to aid Arthur in battle? That's what you couldn't tell me? Come on, like I would have attacked you!" he laughed dryly and shook his head, attempting to box Merlin in the shoulder, which he barely dodged but clumsily fell off his chair because of it. Another laugh came from Gwaine and this time, he could Merlin laugh as well, slowly getting to his feet again. It was nice to see he was still his clumsy self, even if him being magic was something very strange for Gwaine. Then again...it would really explain very many strange happenings around them.

"You're right. I should have known that you were more tolerant about this than Arthur. After all, you did live in nothing but taverns outside of Camelot for most of your life.", Merlin said and sat back onto his chair. But Gwaine just shook his head.

"No, that's not what I mean. You're my friend. You should have trusted me to not turn on you because of something you can do or something you are. You could probably have a love affair with Morgana and I would accept it...well, maybe. That's a little different case, the woman had really lost it in the end...How long have you practiced magic?", he asked but before Melrin did even answer, Gwaine already thought he knew the answer.

"Always. Since the day I was born. My mother told me I moved objects even before I could sit upright on my own."

"Must've been scary to have an object moving baby."Gwaine laughed and adjusted his bed sheets around him.

"Shut up, Gwaine.", Merlin said with a smile plastered on his face. It was good to see him smile honestly and Gwaine was glad that he was here in Camelot because if he wouldn't have returned, the knight was pretty sure that he would be dead by now.

They were interrupted by someone opening the door slowly after knocking politely. A boy walked in and looked to Gaius.

"I'm sorry Sir, I'm looking for the Court Sorcerer? He's not in his chambers.."

"Right over there, son." Gaius pointed to Merlin by Gwaine's bedside and Gwaine had to laugh even more.

"Court Sorcerer? You were busy while I was asleep, My Lady. Already lifted the ban then, I assume?" he looked over to Gwen, who had been extremely quiet this whole time. The boy at the door turned white and quickly bowed to Gwen and then Merlin.

"I'm sorry to interrupt but…my mother needs help, Sir.", he said to Merlin, who seemed to turn crimson immediately. He had obviously never been called Sir before and he didn't exactly seem to like it.

"Please don't…don't call me Sir. Merlin is just fine. I'm no knight or anything. And alright, I'm coming. Where do you live? Give me a few minutes.", he said with a friendly smile on. The boy nodded and described the way to his house before he was gone again. Merlin stood up and stretched while Gaius turned to Gwen.

"What were you here for, my Lady? I'm sure you wanted something against your sickness? You look a little pale.", he said and that's when all eyes were on the queen, even Merlin's who had begun to walk to the door after saying a small goodbye to Gwaine and the queen. The court Sorcerer came to a halt and again frowned at Gwen. What was wrong with him, Gwen wondered?

"Yeah, I've been sick in the mornings, it's really a bit strange. I hope I didn't catch the stomach sickness from the townspeople- Merlin, what is the matter with you?!" she interrupted her assumptions as the sorcerer came closer, seemingly staring at her with an expression that told her he was realizing something he couldn't believe.

"Gwen…you're sick in the mornings? Strangely hungry during the day? A little faint sometimes maybe? It's been a little over two weeks since the battle, right?", he asked, stepping even closer and Gwen nodded at all of it.

"Of course, what are you implying?", she asked but then saw Gaius behind Merlin gasp in shock, covering his mouth. What the heck was happening, did she have some kind of grave sickness she should know of?

"Gwen. Please, I know this question is strange, but…before the battle... Did you and Arthur…share a bed?", he asked and now it was Gwen's turn to gasp while Gwaine raised both his eyebrows and blinked hard. Well that was some topic change. And an inappropriate one at that.

"_Merlin_! How dare you!" she said, outraged and strangely red in the face. She did remember that night, the night she had shared a bed with Arthur before the battle and Arthur had woken up in the middle of the night after they had fallen asleep, suddenly mumbling something about Merlin speaking to him in his dreams. So what was Merlin implying? A realization flashed through her and her eyes went wide.

"Gwen…I…I think you may be pregnant.", he said, looking to Gaius for confirmation. Probably an instinct from learning under him for so long. The physician nodded and Merlin turned back to her, his face turning brighter by the second.

"I thought I did feel something was strange when you came in! You're not just emitting one life force but three at a time, Gwen! Oh my god I can't believe this…" his voice was raised and he had made his way over, shaking Gwen by her upper arms. The queen couldn't quite cope herself. Pregnant…s-she was pregnant! That meant that it was Arthur's child, h-his child was actually growing inside her right now! Oh my god was the right term indeed. She suddenly felt like she was going to faint.

"Gwen? Hey, Gwen!" she was shaken again and that was what brought her back. A smile spread across her own face and it turned into a grin.

"Merlin! Oh god, I'm actually pregnant! Oh come here." She then began to hug Merlin fiercely, knowing that the warlock was just as excited about the news as she was. The young man returned the hug and even spun her around while laughing out loud before letting go and kissing her forehead with his raw hands at her neck. She saw that a few tears had left his eyes but this time, they weren't only tears of sadness but of joy and happiness about these news. He was actually more excited about this than about being court sorcerer, was he? It made Gwen's own grin grow even wider but then she suddenly frowned.

"Wait, did you just say three life forces?", she asked, puzzled about that expression. What was that about Life forces anyway? Merlin could feel life forces? Just how powerful was this man anyway?

"Yes, Gwen. You're having twins! Oh I can't believe this is happening…" he said and took her hands in his while Gwen felt her own tears rise and flow down her beautiful cheeks, some touching her full lips because she was smiling so brightly. He then turned around and ruffled his hair before spinning around again. It was as if the two of them had blocked the others out completely. While Gwaine lay on the bed and watched them curiously, also a smile on his face, Gaius was already walking around the room, obviously collecting herbs for Gwen already. Merlin took her hands again and his face was now dead serious.

"Gwen. Whatever happens, I swear to you with my life that I'm going to be there and I will protect you and your children, whatever it may take. I know it wasn't fair of me to wanting to run away from all this just to wait for Arthur. You deserve being protected just as much, Camelot does. I'm sorry I was like this, I…" he took a deep breath and smiled at her again.

"Thank you, Gwen, really. You gave me hope that I may have not completely failed in my duties after all. Arthur will be back and Camelot will stay protected until that day comes." Gwen nodded and her gaze was gentle. She touched his cheek and chin and tilted her head.

"You don't have to apologize, Merlin. I understand. And I should be thanking you instead." She smiled and they looked at each other for a moment, happy about these news and what they meant. Gwen carried an heir. And not just any random child, it was actually Arthur's child and they were two of them! She knew the next months would be exhausting for her and it would be difficult alone but she had friends by her side, helping her through this, even if the actual father wasn't. A pain shot through her heart at that thought but she didn't want to ruin the moment so she didn't let it show on her face.

"Merlin, weren't you going to help that boy's mother out?", Gaius voice sounded in their ears and they both jumped a little, having completely forgotten that the other two were still in the room. Merlin let her loose and nodded, wiping the tears form his face once again.

"Yes…yes, you're right. I'll see you later, Gwen. Let Gaius give you something against the sickness. Gwaine, I'm coming back to treat your head again this evening!" a little promise to fill him in with what happened lay within his voice before he shot them a last bright smile and ran out the door to get to the lower town quickly.

As he ran, his mind raced with thoughts about the future. Gwen was having Arthur's children! He could only imagine the king's reaction to this but he thought it would have been even more extreme than his. The two of them had been married for quite a while already but they had never really talked about children and even tried to avoid it by making Gwen drink potions so she didn't get pregnant in the first place. They had done it because they feared that while there was this war raging, Morgana would use their child or the pregnant Gwen to her advantage and they really couldn't risk that. Now that the war was over, they could have seized these measures but Arthur didn't really have any time to taste out the peace since Morgana died just before he did, at Lake Avalon. So it was pure luck, really really good luck that Gwen had actually come with Arthur to the battlefield and that they had spent that last night together without Gwen realizing she had had her ovulation without taking Gaius mixture. Or maybe destiny was telling him all wasn't lost after all? Was this supposed to show him that he shouldn't give up hope so easily? That they had maybe won the war after all, even if their king was lost? And he wasn't lost forever, after all. Merlin would be there. However long it took, he would be there and wait for him. Sure, it would be difficult. He was sure that he would life over the lifetime of his friends and he didn't really want to think about it right now.

All he knew was that right now, things seemed to go pretty smoothly. Optimism was something he hadn't felt for as long as he had heard of that dreadful prophecy. He had thought there was nothing left in his world if that came true, that there was no way he would still be able to life in this world if Arthur wasn't in this world any more. But technically, Arthur was just sleeping. He thought about that the prophecy had said "end", not "death" and had to smile. Damn those prophecies. But it didn't matter. Now he could focus on being productive in the time his king was gone. Learning new things, achieving greatness for the kingdom together with Gwen, protecting the thrown until Arthur came back to claim it again. That was his task right now. He shouldn't drown in misery, he should really try to take what he had left and make the best of it. Stay the way he was, like Arthur had asked him to. What else was there to do?

And suddenly, just a little, he felt the gaping hole in his heart stitch up and his soul felt less empty.

In a way, he felt fixed.

* * *

_Blah, lame ending x_X. I know this was even longer than the last one but I wanted to address so many things ^^". Hope you still like it? ^^"_

_**NEXT CHAPTER:** Official funeral for Arthur (since it does need organizing and the people from other kingdoms to arrive), Gwaine getting better, pregnancy, Aithrusa and what Merlin did in the night he met Gwen in the castle (first chapter). WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'LL DO WITH AITHUSA? I thought he'd give her a lecture but he'll probably let her live and try to teach her to speak and try to cure her of being crippled?_

_Feel free to drop a review, every single one makes my day! :3_


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